mental health

** ADELE… WHY YOU DO US LIKE THAT??**

Just like every other millennial right now Adele’s new song “Easy on me” got me all in my feels. It is astonishing how one person with one song can bring up memories and feelings that have been suppressed for so long. This song is living rent free in my spirit because a lot of what she sings about in that song rings true to my life. Like she is personally singing to me (I know she’s not but you know what I mean lol)

To make a starting point to why this song makes me feel like crawling in the fetal position is that I have never really been “on my own” let alone “felt the world around me”. I lived with my dad until graduating high school, went off to college where my roommate was my brothers now wife and after graduating I moved in with my boyfriend from high school. 2 long years later we broke up. It was not a good break up. Do I hate him? No, But definitely no loved lost but whatever he’s doing I hope he’s has the day he deserves. 3 weeks after that I met my now husband Jason. A mutual friend of ours set us up and when we first started talking during the “myspace days” I made him in my top 8 (you had to be there lol). We instantly started dating and after about 5-6 months I called it off. I felt like I needed to find out who I was because I had no clue. I was 20 years old. Who the hell knows who they are at 20. So a friend and I moved to Erie because that’s where our best friend lived at. And let me tell you. That was by far one of the best years of my life. I made so many new friends there, so many memories. It definitely was a pivotal time in my life.

Six months into living in Erie, Jason and I ended up getting back together. I ended up getting pregnant with our son Jackson. Which was a blessing since because from JR year of high school I was told I couldn’t have kids due to having endometrioses. So to say it was a shock was a huge understatement. But boy was I thrilled. Scared… But thrilled. I ended up moving back home to Indiana and moved in with Jason and so started our life together. Almost 2 years later we got married. Being married and having 1 kid it felt like life went from fun and games to exhaustion and solitude. My depression started to creep back up and that is when I started to drink more. Not a lot. Just a glass or two after work just to calm my nerves. It seemed like life was just passing by and it was like I blinked and then I was pregnant with our daughter (3 1/2 years after our son) so emotions on full drive. Working full time with a 3 year old son who has some special needs. Life was hard. But we made it work. But then an incident occurred where I completely lost who I was as a person. Infidelity… When a spouse has an affair it can literally destroy you. For whatever factor it makes you question who you are as a person and why you weren’t good enough. I lost my entire self. I was so hurt that I wanted him to hurt as well. 2 wrongs don’t make a right but I was slowly self destructing. I just did not care about myself anymore because I had no clue who I was anymore.

Fast forward some years and I had my life changing breakdown. To this day I am very thankful for that. God knew I needed to settle my ass down and sure as hell he sat me down. So this new chapter in my life has me wanting to try new things, find my calling. But more importantly find my self again. Not for anyone but for myself. I can’t tell my kids to do what makes them happy and live up to their potential if I’m not doing the same. So thanks to Adele and her soul searching words I have now made myself a priority. I am TIRED of living by everyone else’s standards. Take me as I am or leave me where I am. It’s never to later “feel the world around you”

https://youtu.be/U3ASj1L6_sY

*** I DO NOT OWN THE RIGHTS TO THIS SONG***

**MUCH LOVE ❤ **

mental health

**WHEN YOU SEE RED FLAGS**

Depression is not a once size fits all type of disease. It isn’t always crawling up in your bed with the covers over your head bawling your eyes out. But in all fairness, I have done that a time or two. What people who don’t know how it feels to be that deep in depression is that we slowly start to show red flags beforehand . Sometimes not enough to warrant any concerns but they are there. So if you see any of these signs no matter how small, make it known to your loved one it can possibly make a huge difference.

SOME RED FLAGS TO LOOK OUT FOR

  • sadness
  • tiredness
  • trouble focusing or concentrating
  • unhappiness
  • anger
  • irritability
  • frustration
  • loss of interest in pleasurable or fun activities
  • sleep issues (too much or too little)
  • no energy
  • craving unhealthy foods
  • anxiety
  • isolation

Now these aren’t all the signs, just a few to be on the look out for. If you see a loved one experiencing any of these signs don’t it slide thinking that maybe they are having a bad day or week. It just might save someone’s life

*MUCH LOVE* ❤

Addiction · alcoholism · mental health · self love

**Another New Med???**

One thing no one really talks about while suffering with mental health issues is the constant medication change. I first got diagnosed with depression at the age of 16. Back then (2001) no one was open about depression. It wasn’t so much frowned upon but more of an “embarrassment “. It definitely wasn’t publicized like it is now. People either thought you were crazy or just looking for attention . So as a teenage girl already being hormonal and then on top of that getting put on antidepressants. I honestly felt like an outsider, ashamed that I would be labeled like as a weirdo or something. The 1st antidepressant I was put on at the age of 16 was Paxil. I honestly don’t remember if it made a big difference or not because I also was also put on birth control to try to stop the endometriosis that I had. I was on Paxil until I graduated from college (age 19) because I was no longer on my dad’s health insurance. So I went a good amount of years before I ended up back on antidepressants. I was 26 and just had my daughter and I just felt off. Just down in the dumps and felt like I could cry or snap at any moment. So I went to my MD and he kept trying to tell me that it was all in my head. So needless to say I switched doctors.

My new MD was very thorough with everything. Ran all kinds of blood test and he asked why I went to my other MD because he didn’t do “shit” (which was completely true). So we ended up increasing the dose of the Paxil to see if that would help at all. A few months later it felt like there was no change. The meds weren’t working because I was extremely depressed still and had no motivation for anything. In comes antidepressant #2 Prozac. Now that med did help. But after about a year and a half and two strength increases it stopped helping. It was getting to the point where I just wanted to give up because it felt like I would never find a medication that would work fully. So we ended up trying to switch it again and that was the 3rd medication change in about 3 years. We tried Lexapro next and once again that seemed to help. But around this time was when I started to drink heavily because it seemed like nothing was going right. So I decided to go see a therapist and try to talk through my depression and anxiety.

The MD was ok. Not really my cup of tea but I kept going thinking it would just take time. So here comes antidepressant #4 Zoloft. And lets just say once I was on that med is when the shit show of my life really started. I would throw up about 45 minutes of taking it and it was like that for a couple months. I let therapist know and he just kept saying “it takes time. I don’t want to switch you to something else” That’s when I started to feel helpless. I just wanted to feel happy and it seemed nothing would work, other than alcohol. Zoloft + alcohol= self destructive Antoinette. I really didn’t care about anything at that point. I was so hurt by things that was going on in life at that moment that I felt extremely exhausted with life. After a few months of living in that mind frame I just gave up. I stopped taking the meds correctly and tried every other day thinking that would help. But it didn’t. So the drinking was in full force because that seemed to be the only thing that would help. And all it did was destroy my life. That’s what led up to my breakdown.

At the mental facility I checked myself into the psychiatrist that was there was awesome. He was very patient and kind. So we tried going back to using Paxil. So when I got out of there my primary MD kept me on it because it seemed to help. Whelp that fairytale didn’t last to long and as of this moment right now I am on antidepressant change #6. I have been on trintellex for about 2 years now and it was helping. Then covid hit and my depression and anxiety went through the rough (just like everyone else) So my strength got increased and a “booster med” was added to help. Wellbutrin was added to the mix and so far it seems to be ok. But still having all of this stress and lack of self worth it feels like I might has to change again. But I really don’t want to. Having to go through that whole routine of waiting for a month or so for the meds to work is complete shit and it sucks. So now I am trying to find something to help calm me down that is not a medication. And this blog has definitely helped.

So no matter what your situation is. Whether you are medicated or not. Its still a battle trying to get your mental health to a point where it doesn’t consume your entire life. No matter what you are going through. Just remember that you are going to be ok. It won’t seem like it. Hell it still doesn’t feel like it for me but I’m hoping that connecting with people going through the same thing as me will help break that stigma embarrassment that we feel.

*Much love*

Uncategorized

** THIS IS MY FIGHT SONG**

If you could pick one song to be your theme song of your life what would it be? Currently I swear I could use at least 15 songs lol. But right now in this moment. It is “Fight Song” by Rachel Platten.

These last few months have been nothing short of a roller-coaster and what these last few months have taught me is for me to settle my ass down and take time for myself. I am not used to doing that. I’m like the damn energizer bunny to everyone else and then by the time I get to my needs I am completely empty and just stay empty. When I sit and think about EVERYTHING that has happened over these last few years of my sobriety I get sad because each time I come to the conclusion that I don’t know what the hell I want out of life and even worse I don’t know who I am as a person anymore. I’ve been so consumed with molding myself to everyone else’s expectations that I have no clue who the hell Antoinette is. Every one tells me that I need to take time for myself and do my own self care. I’ve bought books, calenders, affirmation cards thinking that the answer would be in one of those items. And you know what. I didn’t find one damn answer for anything in those items that I bought.

What I did find though. Is that I’ll be damned if I continue to live my life under everyone else’s thumb. Family, friends, colleges everyone. I am always so worried about what people would think of me in situations that would not benefit them or make them feel uncomfortable. But do they even care about my feelings during it all? Most likely not. I don’t know why I am scared to just say fuck it and do what I want to do because everyone else does. And honestly I don’t know what I would even do lol. Start over, go back to school, become an actual example of you can be whatever you want to be to my kids. I preach that to them every single day because they are my heart and soul and they definitely can do whatever they want to if they put their mind to it. So why can’t their mama do it lol? I don’t know how else to live life other than how I am now and its sure as shit not making me happy. I want to wake up without constantly feeling like I have to be everyone’s people pleaser because I don’t want them to be mad at me or feel like I don’t love them. But for a fact I still will do what I can for my family and friends. I just have to do it my own way. What that is, hell if I know. I have done so many things to protect my family and friends that I don’t even know how I did half of it. But something my older brother Kyle told me has been stuck in my head and I know what I need to do. He told me “Remember who the fuck you are because you’re a boss” (love you biggie brother)

Welp… Boss bitch it is then! What ever happens after this is god leading me down a path I need to be on for myself and no one else

*MUCH LOVE*

“This is my fight song
Take back my life song
Prove I’m alright song
My power’s turned on
Starting right now I’ll be strong
I’ll play my fight song
And I don’t really care if nobody else believes
‘Cause I’ve still got a lot of fight left in me”

Fight Song- Rachel Platten

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** THIS IS ME ** SPECIAL GUEST

My beautiful daughter Emily wanted to make a post on my blog because she too likes to write her feelings down. Love that she wants to help kids who have anxiety like her too

Hi, I am Emily, and this is me! I worry a lot and I am not sure why. I get sad and angry easily. Things that make me angry are when my brother is mean to me, when I mess up, and when people yell. I do not like when people get sad because I feel bad, and it makes me sad. My favorite things are unicorns, dogs, books, blankets, and my family! My mommy helps me when I am sad because she cuddles with me, my daddy helps by making me laugh, and my brother helps by being funny. My best friend is my dog Sparky. He is cute and fluffy. When I am sad, he licks me and lets me hug him. We like to fall asleep together. I like to make people happy, I don’t care if I get rewards and treats, I just want people to be happy without having to give me stuff in return. I hope you enjoyed my story!! 😊

Addiction · alcoholism · music

** Crawling in my skin **

Do you ever feel like your entire soul is crawling out of your skin and it just feels like no matter what you do nothing will ever make you feel better? That’s exactly how I feel in this very moment. Depression and anxiety is over-drive and no matter what I do I can’t seem to get myself back into a safe place mentally.

This last year has definitely been a tough one. Covid has put a halt in life for everyone. Life has not been the same and you get to the point where you keep asking “Is this shit ever going to end?” and not knowing what will happen will drive you fucking crazy. But what do you do when you suffer from depression, anxiety and also in recovery from addiction during a fucking pandemic? You go even more crazy. If the pandemic wasn’t bad enough. On November 24th 2020 my mom was admitted to the hospital for what we would find out is Acute Myeloid Leukemia (AML for short). Being told that your parent has cancer is like a bomb going off in your heart and you feel helpless. You go in to panic mode and you want to know each and every move that is going to happen to make sure your parent is going to beat it. But what a lot of people don’t know is the pain in your heart watching your parent fight an illness that could possibly kill them (if the treatment doesn’t take them) My mom is a VERY STRONG woman. She has been through so much in her life and she is living her life following the lord. But I can’t lie. A lot of times I just want to scream at god and ask him why?? Why my mom? They say he won’t give you more than you can handle. Well with everything being thrown at me I feel like I should be able to lift a damn semi truck. But my mom keeps telling all of us that she will keep serving the lord because he has a bigger purpose for her.

I pray that its true. I’m a fixer. And the fact I can’t fix her is driving me up a damn wall. Dealing with 1 sick parent is enough. To add to it all my dad also got sick but he is doing better now. So now my emotions are completely fucked and mentally feel like I can just lose my shit at any given moment. But with being a “fixer” you also have to be the strongest one for not only your parents but for the rest of your family. One of the worst feelings is to be the strong one and not being able to be weak. Being surrounded by a room full of people and still feeling completely alone. Constantly being in your head on why things are happening a certain way and trying to find a way to shift it so things turn out differently. No matter what you do it just feels like nothing will make things better. Everyone is afraid that with all of this stress I will relapse and start drinking again. I can’t sit here and say that having some drinks hasn’t crossed my mind. Just to try and forget for a few moments but what does that solve? Not a god damn thing. So I know I won’t because I have to be the strong one. But what can the strong one of the family who suffers from depression, anxiety and in recovery do to not lose their shit during all of this plus a pandemic? WRITE… If it wasn’t for this blog I honestly don’t know if I could get through this sober. I have a decent support system. But sometimes the people the closest to you make you feel like you so distant.

What do you do when you feel like your life is going in a totally different direction than what you thought god had planned for you? What do you do when people say “do what you need to do to make sure you are ok” but you feel like a POS person if you actually try to do what’s best for you? Going back and forth between your head and your heart while trying to make sure everyone else is ok. Those thoughts can make you feel like you are “crawling in your skin” with no way out of it. But the only thing you can do is keeping on pushing through because at some point it’s gotta get better right?? Hopefully

*Much love*

“Discomfort, endlessly has pulled itself upon me
Distracting, reacting
Against my will I stand beside my own reflection
It’s haunting How I can’t seem to find myself again
My walls are closing in
(Without a sense of confidence, I’m convinced)
(That there’s just too much pressure to take)
I’ve felt this way before
So insecure. Crawling in my skin
These wounds, they will not heal
Fear is how I fall
Confusing what is real”

  • Linkin Park- Crawling

Addiction · alcoholism · music · self love

**BRAND NEW ME**

You know how on New Year’s day you see people posting “NEW YEAR NEW ME”. But within the first couple months of the New Year they go back to the same old routine and their “New Me” disappeared. Well that is me I am “people”. Just like everyone else in the world we set out to improve ourselves and we do good for a little bit but eventually you get comfortable again and just give up. That’s recovery. Finding your “new me” living sober.

It’s so hard trying to find yourself no matter what the age you are at, but trying to find who you are sober is extremely difficult. For the longest time I have always put everyone else’s feelings before mine and the only thing that made me feel like me was vodka. I’m gonna call her “Jackie” because my vodka of choice was Jacquin’s. For years Jackie was my best friend when I felt like no one else was there, she made me happy and helped mask the pain I had within myself. So when I finally cut Jackie off I had to find a new way of making myself happy. I had no clue how to do that. I was going to AA meetings and going to my group counseling and everything was going good until it felt like some of the people closest to me wanted to control my recovery. And you would think that would make me want to just say f**k it and start drinking again. But it didn’t. Because deep down I would be more disappointed in myself if I did that. But the resentment was there ( and honestly still have some resentment I am trying to get through). Going through the motions of learning how to live life sober I felt like a toy soldier and just had to “fall in line” because that’s what I felt like I had to do in order to stay sober and make sure everyone else was happy. At that point being sober seemed more like a chore than anything else because I wasn’t doing it for myself. I was just falling in line of everyone else’s expectations. And I knew something had to change big time.

These last 4 and a half years of my recovery has taught me so many things. And this past year dealing with life as a recovering alcoholic, living in this jacked up world of the covid pandemic and my mom’s cancer treatment. I know that I don’t want to just settle and keeping falling in line. I want more things out of life. I want to go back to school to get into addiction counseling and I want to just be happy for my family. But more importantly I want to be happy for my damn self. The mom in me feels guilty for trying to find my own self love because my kids come first. But if I can’t find my own self love how can I show my kids that no matter what always love yourself and be true to yourself. I have not been true to my self at all. Mainly because I’m afraid of other peoples reactions or feeling guilty trying to love myself. As a mom it feels like its a crime to want time to yourself or be in anything else other than mom / wife mode. When it is ok for me to love myself without feeling like I’m not a good person because other peoples feelings won’t be forefront of my life? When is it ok for me to become the Antoinette that I am striving to be without worrying about everyone else’s feelings? When is it ok for me to love me first?

Now…. Now is my time. I can no longer fall in line to everyone else’s reality of my own life. I may lose people who I love by trying to become my true self but you can only take so much before things explode. The old saying goes “those who mind don’t matter and those who matter don’t mind” Its time for me to find my “brand new me” once and for all no matter the outcome. This recovery and healing journey has made me stronger. In my heart I know I am strong, but my own actions have not been reflecting what I feel in my heart. Welp… Its time for a change.

Watch my glow up 😉

**MUCH LOVE**

“It took a long long time to get here
It took a brave, brave girl to try
It took one too many excuses, one too many lies
Don’t be surprised, don’t be surprised if I talk a little louder
If I speak up when you’re wrong
If I walk a little taller
I’d be known to you too long
If you noticed that I’m different
Don’t take it personally
Don’t be mad, it’s just the brand new kind of me
And it ain’t bad, I found a brand new kind of free”

*Brand New me
– Alicia Keys

Uncategorized

**DANCING WITH THE DEVIL**

When you are in the thick of your addiction you do not care what, who or how you hurt people. All you care about is where you are going to get your next fix or your next drink. This tango of being in addiction mixed with mental health issues, I was seriously Dancing With the Devil. The devil of addiction. A lot of people have asked me why people who are in recovery always seem to find Jesus. Well when you stare the devil straight in the eyes you pray that there is something or someone who can come save you. Faith helps you get through some of the roughest times. Do I go to church every Sunday? No I don’t. Do I believe in God. Yes! Very much. You cry out to god to save you because the devil has you in his grasp.

One thing that I am trying to do is suppress the thoughts of the f**k ups I did while I was drinking, or at least keep them at bay. I still beat myself up over everything. I know I am not the same person as I was 4 and half years ago. But the actions from when I was in active addiction still live rent free in my head. That is something that I have to live with. But my goal for my own life is to not let that define me. Seeing the world with out drunken goggles on makes you see things and people a different way. Your judgement is no longer clouded by any substance and can actually see things for what they are.

I have been asked if in these last 4 and a half years have I ever relapsed. And with my right hand up to the big man upstairs I can proudly say that NO I HAVEN’T. Some people aren’t that lucky to have been able to step away. People have stumbled and relapsed. Some people have relapsed with years of sobriety under their belt and that 1 time cost them their lives. And right now there are people in active addiction praying to god to make their pain stop.

After I first got sober I had to come face to face with all of the pain that I have caused family and friends during my active addition and let me tell you! Baby that was a type of pain I NEVER want to feel again. When you are drinking or doing drugs or both you don’t have to fully comprehend all of the hurt you are causing because you are not coherent enough to even care. So when your body is rid of all the substances you put in it, you have to feel ALL OF THE HURT without a clouded mind state and for a lot of people they can’t handle that pain. They end up relapsing to not hurt anymore. I think the main reason why I haven’t relapsed is because I would be more disappointed in myself than my friends or family. The guilt from the aftermath is what is keeping me sober. Are there times where I would love to have A drink to relax?? HELL YEAH. But will I do it?? HELL NAW!!!! No matter what it is that is keeping you sober keep it up. You never know which person you may help with how you are doing your recovery. Recovery is not one size fits all. Some people do well with meetings and a sponsor and others are fine with just reading blogs about it because at least you know you aren’t ever alone.

To the people who are still “dancing with the devil” I pray that you can get the help that you need to stop that vicious tango of hell. If you need anyone to talk to, or need information on how to take that first step to get sober. I am always here💖

Much love

” It’s just a little red wine, I’ll be fine
Not like I wanna do this every night
I’ve been good, don’t I deserve it?
I think I earned it, feels like it’s worth it
In my mind, mind

Twisted reality, hopeless insanity
I told you I was okay but I was lying

I was dancing with the devil, out of control
Almost made it to heaven, it was closer than you know
Playing with the enemy, gambling with my soul
It’s so hard to say no, when you’re dancing with the devil”

-Dancing with the devil
Demi Lovato

Uncategorized

**SMILING FACES**

Like I said before. Music fuels my soul. One song that I have been listening to since I was knee high to a grass hopper is “Smiling Faces Sometimes” By the Undisputed Truth. I never knew what the that really meant until I became an adult. And Its crazy that back in the 60’s 70’s they were still dealing with things that we are dealing with now.

One of the most well known lyrics to that song is “Smiling faces show no traces of the evil that lurks within” And that is 100% truth. You can have so many “friends” but how do you know if that person is being 100 with you. My dad said a saying a long time ago and I swear. My pops is a G. “I would rather have 4 quarters than 100 pennies” and that is the realist s**t I have ever heard. I thought being popular and having so many friends is what my life needed to be about. And the older that I get the more I’m like “F**K THAT… AIN’T NO BODY GOT TIME FOR THAT” LOL. So many people who I thought were friends turned out to either be closet racist or was faker than Kim K’s butt.

I study people before I get to know them. So if we first met and you think I’m a b***h. That is the furthest from the truth. I’m analyzing you to see if you are even worth my time and energy because I got screwed over to many times that I just don’t want to invest in fakeness. My motto… Be real or Be gone. It is so crazy that while during this recovery journey people are so damn judge. Like forreal?? Why? Just because you didn’t have to struggle with any sort of addiction or mental health issues doesn’t mean you are better. Because guarantee you got more skeletons in your closet that I have.

People can be all buddy buddy with you to your face so they can have some clout but as soon as you leave their true colors show. If you are that unhappy with you own life that you have to play both sides, then maybe you need re-evaluate your own self worth and mind set.

I will say getting sober and getting the correct mental health humbled my ass REAL QUICK. And you know what. I’m glad. Because now I can actually take a step back and assess the situation for exactly what it is. I’m not saying this to say all people as are shady people. But guarantee there is more fake ones then real ones. And if you are blessed to have a real one. KEEP THEM!!! Because that type of friendship only happens once in a life time and losing that persons friendship is like loosing a part of your self. So what would you rather have guys? 4 quarters or 100 pennies?

“Smiling faces sometimes, They don’t tell the truth Smiling faces, smiling faces tell lies and I got proof (Beware) of the handshake that hides the snake (can you dig it, can you dig it?) I’m a-tellin’ you beware of the pat on the back It just might hold you back Jealousy, misery, envy, I tell you you can’t see behind Smiling faces, smiling faces, sometimes Hey, they don’t tell the truth Smiling faces, smiling faces tell lies and I got proof Hey, your enemy won’t do you no harm ’cause you’ll know where he’s comin’ from Don’t let the handshake and the smile fool ya Take my advice, I’m only tryin’ to school ya Smiling faces, smiling faces, sometimes They don’t tell the truth”

**MUCH LOVE💖**

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** A CHANGE GONNA COME **

One thing you may not know about me is that music fuels my soul. If you think about it. There is always a song for whatever emotion you are feeling. From Mary J Blige to Metallica, The Temptations to Taylor Swift. No matter how you are feeling I bet you there is a song for it.

One song that is really getting me through these tough times right now is ” A CHANGE GONNA COME” By Sam Cooke. The meaning behind the song is Sam talking about all of his trials he and his family and friends endured during the civil rights movement and how he was going to get through it because no matter what at some point “A CHANGE GONNA COME”

Everything that I have been through in my life happened for a reason. What that reason is I am not sure. God put me through every trial, tribulation, happiness and sadness that one person can go through, but some how. I’m still standing. I’m still here. But why though? That is a question I have been asking myself for years now and do I have all of the answers to the reason behind everything, No? But what I do know is that God put me through everything because he knew that “A CHANGE GONNA COME” for me.

Getting sober and put on meds THAT ACTUALLY WORK for my anxiety and depression has been the change I needed. And I didn’t know that I would need it until right now. The last 8 years of my life I have been through a lot. Death, infidelity, more death, self doubt, suicidal thoughts, extreme pressure to be perfect so I don’t feel that type of pain again. All of that led up to my nervous breakdown. That breakdown was my change. My “come to jesus” moment.

When I got sober I didn’t know what life would have instore for me. But little did I know that later on that year I would find the FIRST of many reasons why God put me through everything to lead up to my breakdown and for me to get my s**t right. My nephew Dominick. He went through some things that at the time a 17 year old should not have to go through. And because I got sober and had a different outlook on life and new coping skills, I was able to help him when he needed someone the most. I honestly don’t know how I would have been during that situation if I was still drinking. I know for damn sure that I am glad as hell that I wasn’t. Honestly I feel he helped me out more than I helped him. We both needed each other and I’m so glad to have him in my life. Even though he’s my nephew he’s like my child lol. A 21 year old child lmao. I would do anything and everything for him (and now his soon to be wife and son).

That change was what my life needed. I couldn’t keep going down the road I was on with out any consequences. God really said “see this is what we not gonna do lol”. People get afraid of change because its easier to just stick with what you are currently going through because you already know what it is. But change doesn’t have to be frightening. Change can be amazing. But how you react to it is up to you. God will put you on the right track. But its YOUR job to stay on it. No matter how hard or painful it is.

I know God has more in store for me. Do I know what type of “change is gonna come” on this journey in life? Nope. But whatever it is, It will be a lesson or a blessing

“There’ve been times that I thought I couldn’t last for long
But now I think I’m able to carry on. It’s been a long, a long time coming
But I know a change gon’ come, oh yes, it will”
– Sam Cooke

*MUCH LOVE💖*