mental health

*THE STRUGGLE IS REAL*

It’s been almost 5 months since my mom passed and the world still feels just as confusing as it did the day she died. The feeling of complete emptiness is unbearable. It’s like I am going through life on auto pilot and no sense of direction at all. My therapist who I started seeing before my mother passed away told me this past week that I am in such a grief fog that I am disassociating from reality. When she said that I was like “Damn I’m really that jacked up”. I told her how I can have a full-blown conversation with someone and not remember it later on. Like I’m waking up from a massive hangover everyday not remembering stuff from the night before. Only that I haven’t had a drink in 5 years. So, she gave me some homework. I have to spend at least 3 hours by myself outside of my house to try and re-group and ground myself again (as best as I can). Currently I am sitting in a Mediterranean cafe eating a delicious gyro salad lol. I can’t not lie this feels weird as hell. I am so used to being in my house because I work from home, when I log off from work I just move over to the next room to my living room. So I really don’t get a break from being at my house unless its to take the kids to school or go to the store. So here I am…

These past 5 months have been such a strange transition. My daughter and I have been doing grief peer support for the past couple of years (she was having bad anxiety since my husband’s stepdad passed because she was really close with him) So with all the coping skills you would think I would be ok to process everything rationally right?(Shout out to Hopeful Hearts!! Love you all ❤️) But that would be a big fat negative of the coping skills. Every single one of them went out of the window that morning on 11/28/21 at 4:36am. We had a session last week and our group leader told us that our upcoming session would be our quilt night. Quilt night is when you and family (or just yourself) get together and make a quilt square for your lost loved one. Our first quilt square was of course for Daddy Ed. Then the following quilt was for both of my grandmothers. It was in that moment that I realized I was going to make one for my mom and I just lost it. I was doing good in group up until then (Damn you Laura lol jk). I don’t know if anyone else is like me when you are trying to control your crying and then someone says those 3 magical words “are you ok?” and then you just loose it even more?? Yeah that was me. But the tears were much needed. I don’t get to full out ugly cry at home because my daughter would start freaking out so I silent cry in my office trying not to sniffle but she has hound dog ears and can hear me sniffle 2 rooms over lol. So its hard. But that was a release that I needed bad. So quilt night will be a rough night, but I will try to compose myself as much as I can.

In these 5 months I have noticed a few things. Family members who we may talk with a couple times a year we are talking to a couple times a week. My brothers and I communicate more. One of my brother’s *cough Kyle cough* actually answers his phone all the time now lol! Shocked I know (anyone who knows him will understand lmao). My sister and I communicate more. Being the baby is different when you have 6+ years between each other. But she is just as strong as she always has been. It took losing the anchor of our family for us to come together. We are all we have now and it is a very weird and bittersweet feeling. My dad is still my rock as well and I still bother him all the time lol. If it wasn’t for him, our Aunt Barb and our Aunt Cheryl, I really don’t know how we would have gotten through all of this. Everybody actually. My mom’s church has rallied around us so much it’s unreal. But it’s a love that is needed. My mom was such a bright presence at church FOR YEARS that they become your family. It has been a while since I have been to church due to work and then it was shut down for a while due to Covid. But best believe my next weekend I am off and don’t have pre arranged plans already I will be sitting in my mom’s seat next to my “Aunt Linda” praising his name. I do feel closer to my mom at church and its because she was such a god fearing woman that when he called her name she went home with open arms.

So to say that the struggle is real… is an understatement but I didn’t know how else to title this post lol. I miss her every single second of these last almost 5 months that I put myself in such a fog that I am disassociating from reality. I know I have to keep going for our family. I am afraid that if I’m not missing her or thinking about her that I’m not loving her or carrying on her memory. But my therapist said one thing to me that has stuck to me and I am trying to put my energy to it. She stated “Sometimes your mom needs a rest too” and that hit hard. So all we can do is live life and make her proud. She wanted me to find my inner strength that she knew I had and I will spend the rest of my life making her proud.

** I love you mommy and happy early birthday (4/21/59)

*much love* ❤️

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