Do you ever feel like your entire soul is crawling out of your skin and it just feels like no matter what you do nothing will ever make you feel better? That’s exactly how I feel in this very moment. Depression and anxiety is over-drive and no matter what I do I can’t seem to get myself back into a safe place mentally.
This last year has definitely been a tough one. Covid has put a halt in life for everyone. Life has not been the same and you get to the point where you keep asking “Is this shit ever going to end?” and not knowing what will happen will drive you fucking crazy. But what do you do when you suffer from depression, anxiety and also in recovery from addiction during a fucking pandemic? You go even more crazy. If the pandemic wasn’t bad enough. On November 24th 2020 my mom was admitted to the hospital for what we would find out is Acute Myeloid Leukemia (AML for short). Being told that your parent has cancer is like a bomb going off in your heart and you feel helpless. You go in to panic mode and you want to know each and every move that is going to happen to make sure your parent is going to beat it. But what a lot of people don’t know is the pain in your heart watching your parent fight an illness that could possibly kill them (if the treatment doesn’t take them) My mom is a VERY STRONG woman. She has been through so much in her life and she is living her life following the lord. But I can’t lie. A lot of times I just want to scream at god and ask him why?? Why my mom? They say he won’t give you more than you can handle. Well with everything being thrown at me I feel like I should be able to lift a damn semi truck. But my mom keeps telling all of us that she will keep serving the lord because he has a bigger purpose for her.
I pray that its true. I’m a fixer. And the fact I can’t fix her is driving me up a damn wall. Dealing with 1 sick parent is enough. To add to it all my dad also got sick but he is doing better now. So now my emotions are completely fucked and mentally feel like I can just lose my shit at any given moment. But with being a “fixer” you also have to be the strongest one for not only your parents but for the rest of your family. One of the worst feelings is to be the strong one and not being able to be weak. Being surrounded by a room full of people and still feeling completely alone. Constantly being in your head on why things are happening a certain way and trying to find a way to shift it so things turn out differently. No matter what you do it just feels like nothing will make things better. Everyone is afraid that with all of this stress I will relapse and start drinking again. I can’t sit here and say that having some drinks hasn’t crossed my mind. Just to try and forget for a few moments but what does that solve? Not a god damn thing. So I know I won’t because I have to be the strong one. But what can the strong one of the family who suffers from depression, anxiety and in recovery do to not lose their shit during all of this plus a pandemic? WRITE… If it wasn’t for this blog I honestly don’t know if I could get through this sober. I have a decent support system. But sometimes the people the closest to you make you feel like you so distant.
What do you do when you feel like your life is going in a totally different direction than what you thought god had planned for you? What do you do when people say “do what you need to do to make sure you are ok” but you feel like a POS person if you actually try to do what’s best for you? Going back and forth between your head and your heart while trying to make sure everyone else is ok. Those thoughts can make you feel like you are “crawling in your skin” with no way out of it. But the only thing you can do is keeping on pushing through because at some point it’s gotta get better right?? Hopefully
“Discomfort, endlessly has pulled itself upon me
Against my will I stand beside my own reflection
It’s haunting How I can’t seem to find myself again
My walls are closing in
(Without a sense of confidence, I’m convinced)
(That there’s just too much pressure to take)
I’ve felt this way before
So insecure. Crawling in my skin
These wounds, they will not heal
Fear is how I fall
Confusing what is real”
- Linkin Park- Crawling