When you are in the thick of your addiction you do not care what, who or how you hurt people. All you care about is where you are going to get your next fix or your next drink. This tango of being in addiction mixed with mental health issues, I was seriously Dancing With the Devil. The devil of addiction. A lot of people have asked me why people who are in recovery always seem to find Jesus. Well when you stare the devil straight in the eyes you pray that there is something or someone who can come save you. Faith helps you get through some of the roughest times. Do I go to church every Sunday? No I don’t. Do I believe in God. Yes! Very much. You cry out to god to save you because the devil has you in his grasp.
One thing that I am trying to do is suppress the thoughts of the f**k ups I did while I was drinking, or at least keep them at bay. I still beat myself up over everything. I know I am not the same person as I was 4 and half years ago. But the actions from when I was in active addiction still live rent free in my head. That is something that I have to live with. But my goal for my own life is to not let that define me. Seeing the world with out drunken goggles on makes you see things and people a different way. Your judgement is no longer clouded by any substance and can actually see things for what they are.
I have been asked if in these last 4 and a half years have I ever relapsed. And with my right hand up to the big man upstairs I can proudly say that NO I HAVEN’T. Some people aren’t that lucky to have been able to step away. People have stumbled and relapsed. Some people have relapsed with years of sobriety under their belt and that 1 time cost them their lives. And right now there are people in active addiction praying to god to make their pain stop.
After I first got sober I had to come face to face with all of the pain that I have caused family and friends during my active addition and let me tell you! Baby that was a type of pain I NEVER want to feel again. When you are drinking or doing drugs or both you don’t have to fully comprehend all of the hurt you are causing because you are not coherent enough to even care. So when your body is rid of all the substances you put in it, you have to feel ALL OF THE HURT without a clouded mind state and for a lot of people they can’t handle that pain. They end up relapsing to not hurt anymore. I think the main reason why I haven’t relapsed is because I would be more disappointed in myself than my friends or family. The guilt from the aftermath is what is keeping me sober. Are there times where I would love to have A drink to relax?? HELL YEAH. But will I do it?? HELL NAW!!!! No matter what it is that is keeping you sober keep it up. You never know which person you may help with how you are doing your recovery. Recovery is not one size fits all. Some people do well with meetings and a sponsor and others are fine with just reading blogs about it because at least you know you aren’t ever alone.
To the people who are still “dancing with the devil” I pray that you can get the help that you need to stop that vicious tango of hell. If you need anyone to talk to, or need information on how to take that first step to get sober. I am always here💖
” It’s just a little red wine, I’ll be fine
Not like I wanna do this every night
I’ve been good, don’t I deserve it?
I think I earned it, feels like it’s worth it
In my mind, mind
Twisted reality, hopeless insanity
I told you I was okay but I was lying
I was dancing with the devil, out of control
Almost made it to heaven, it was closer than you know
Playing with the enemy, gambling with my soul
It’s so hard to say no, when you’re dancing with the devil”
-Dancing with the devil